Hi. Sorry I have been absent. I did not have the need or desire to write, but as winter and the holidays quickly approach I am drawn back to it. It has almost been a year. I can not even believe it has almost been a year. This year nothing and everything has changed. We are still in love, still at the same jobs, still in the same house, still loving the same furry, grey crew of animals, but still without our angels and that makes us not the same. There is weight on us that I am unsure will ever be lifted. We are still trying like hell to have fun and keep things light, and 80% of the time we succeed, but it’s just different. With every little bit of happiness there is an underlying thought of Linden with it. Would she have liked the mountains, or swimming, playing on a beach, going for walks with the dog, laying in the sunshine, playing in the leaves, seeing snow or sitting on Santa’s lap? And I know her spirit and all of my babies spirits are with me, for these things, but how I long for them. How can you truly be happy when a little bit of your heart is missing? How have I been able to even remotely enjoy myself this past year when I miss her so much? I don’t know. At first, I knew I didn’t want to go crazy or kill myself so I just tried to do the opposite of that. Then I just tried to focus on what makes me happy family, friends, food, travel, animals so that kind of works. Healing is such a process. Still grief, and depression show up everyday challenging us to just put one foot in front of the other, and each day is so different. You know birthdays and holidays will be more difficult, but then you’ll have a random Wednesday and lose your shit. It sucks.
The other day I thought to myself, “Why did this happen to us? Why do we have to learn these difficult life lessons? Why us?” Why? Why? Why? I don’t like being a brat about things, but shitty days seem to bring that out in me. Today I read 10 Things to let go of before the end of the year and I found it to be just what I needed. #6 Stop asking “WHY” this is happening to you. Instead ask what you can larn from the situation. And so I’ve been thinking about it all damn day. What have I learned from this?
1. Josh is amazing and not only is he amazing but we are amazing. We made our marriage and our health a priority. We communicate better, work together better, and are physically the healthiest we have ever been. We have truly grown together and for that we are so fucking lucky.
2. I appreciate everything. I try to say thank you out loud at least 3 times a day. Most of the time it’s to people but sometimes it’s just to the universe or nature or my angels.
3. I am more self-aware. I am much stronger than I realized, and more sensitive than I would like to admit and that’s ok. I make mistakes and have weird quirks. I am a work in progress and I accept all of my good and bad.
4. I need people. I don’t know why but it is difficult for me to ask for support. I think I have gotten much better though.
5. I am no longer afraid of a lot of things, mostly pregnancy. We are actually really excited about the prospect of a future pregnancy.
6. I understand death much better. That does not make loss any easier, but it does help with acceptance and fear.
7. I don’t really get upset about other people’s pregnancies or babies. It’s weird. Sometimes I still get a pang in my chest, but I used to dread Facebook, grocery shopping, and many other things because I would get so anxious and jealous.
8. My Linden Lilac, my perfect angel, is the most amazing present I have ever had. She has made me a better person. I feel more and fear less. I am so lucky you chose me to be your mom. I am sorry our time was so short, but I know we will see each other one day. Until then I’ll see you in my pink skies. Thank you and your momma loves you.
So that has been my year. I can’t believe it has almost been a year since I have seen her.
Hug your loved ones, walk in nature, appreciate everything, look for pink skies.