Grief, Reflection, Uncategorized

5 months

I just want my baby. Between Mother’s Day and Linden’s 5 month birthday I have been kind of a mess. I never, ever anticipated this Mother’s Day sucking so bad and me losing it all damn day but I did. I decided everyday I put on a happy face, chin up and for Mother’s Day I was refusing. This is my third mothers day sans child and all I wanted was to sit and cry and think about my few short hours with Linden so I did. I watched the movie What Dream’s May Come and cried I thought about how cool it would be if that is what happens when you pass away. I would see all my babies and it would be just like the quote “everything was beautiful and nothing hurt”

Then it was back to the grind work, hang-outs with friends, and yard work with family (thanks again mom, dad and al for your help). Josh and I got a “new” to us 2012 Honda CRV, and I started accupuncture.  So good things, definitely positive.

Then today. Honest to god I didn’t realize the date, but I woke up at 5:45 and just felt off. I thought I missed my alarm and was late for work. It took me going to the restroom and then looking at a calander and then 2 seperate clocks to figure out I don’t have to work until the afternoon. I slept for a few more hours and then I woke up and realized it’s Linden’s would be 5 month birthday and then I preceded to breakdown all day. I cried like the last time that I held her. I decided to listen to Riot Grrrl bands all day because that is when she moved the most in my belly, so I figured that was her favorite style of music. I made it to work and cried a couple of times there. I was so grateful to get home. I took Scooter for the longest walk we’ve ever been on and that was good. I just pretty much let him take the lead and sniff and pee on everything. I thought the whole time about how bad I am at organizing/decluttering things, and how Josh is so good at it and the house always feels better when he handles some organizing business. When we got back I knew something I needed to do was put Linden’s clothes away. Four little outfits that my little one never got to wear. I procrastinated opting to make myself dinner, do laundry, and paint my toenails. I sucked it up and did it though. I said goodbye to each item tearfully, and carefully refolded them,  put them in a box that used to be my great aunts, and stored it in my night stand. Her blanket and stuffed animal are still out and I don’t think I will ever store them.

There is so much happiness but today I’m just not feeling it. I still did my gratitude list in the morning and this weekend we are going away with some really fun friends, so I keep trying and it will get better. Today I just want my baby. Happy birthday to my homegirl.


6 thoughts on “5 months

  1. Katie Loeb says:

    I think of you often, and wonder how you’re handling all this. There’s no right or wrong way, and I know you’re so much stronger than I’d be, so I sit in awe of your strength. You do whatever it is you have to do to get where you need to be. We all love you and are hoping for your eventual healing, or at least want the pain to be tolerable. Big love and hugs to you, my lovely friend. You’re doing the things you need to do. Take your time. It’s your journey.

    • Thank you, Katie. It feels so good to have support and encouragement. I never know what each day will bring, but I know I have a lot of love surrounding me near and far. ♥

    • Thank you. The blogging community has been such a savior for me. It’s the saddest sisterhood to join but is the most soul nourishing support. Thanks for your story and the hope you give me. Hugs back.

  2. myhopejar says:

    Oh hon. My heart aches for you and with you. I know too well how these days feel and I wish you didn’t have to feel them ever! I think you’re amazing for even making it into work. I hope this weekend is full of fun distractions and you feel some of this hurt lifted. And I truly believe you will see Linden again in the next world. Sending you the biggest hug ever!

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