I just want my baby. Between Mother’s Day and Linden’s 5 month birthday I have been kind of a mess. I never, ever anticipated this Mother’s Day sucking so bad and me losing it all damn day but I did. I decided everyday I put on a happy face, chin up and for Mother’s Day I was refusing. This is my third mothers day sans child and all I wanted was to sit and cry and think about my few short hours with Linden so I did. I watched the movie What Dream’s May Come and cried I thought about how cool it would be if that is what happens when you pass away. I would see all my babies and it would be just like the quote “everything was beautiful and nothing hurt”
Then it was back to the grind work, hang-outs with friends, and yard work with family (thanks again mom, dad and al for your help). Josh and I got a “new” to us 2012 Honda CRV, and I started accupuncture. So good things, definitely positive.
Then today. Honest to god I didn’t realize the date, but I woke up at 5:45 and just felt off. I thought I missed my alarm and was late for work. It took me going to the restroom and then looking at a calander and then 2 seperate clocks to figure out I don’t have to work until the afternoon. I slept for a few more hours and then I woke up and realized it’s Linden’s would be 5 month birthday and then I preceded to breakdown all day. I cried like the last time that I held her. I decided to listen to Riot Grrrl bands all day because that is when she moved the most in my belly, so I figured that was her favorite style of music. I made it to work and cried a couple of times there. I was so grateful to get home. I took Scooter for the longest walk we’ve ever been on and that was good. I just pretty much let him take the lead and sniff and pee on everything. I thought the whole time about how bad I am at organizing/decluttering things, and how Josh is so good at it and the house always feels better when he handles some organizing business. When we got back I knew something I needed to do was put Linden’s clothes away. Four little outfits that my little one never got to wear. I procrastinated opting to make myself dinner, do laundry, and paint my toenails. I sucked it up and did it though. I said goodbye to each item tearfully, and carefully refolded them, put them in a box that used to be my great aunts, and stored it in my night stand. Her blanket and stuffed animal are still out and I don’t think I will ever store them.
There is so much happiness but today I’m just not feeling it. I still did my gratitude list in the morning and this weekend we are going away with some really fun friends, so I keep trying and it will get better. Today I just want my baby. Happy birthday to my homegirl.