There is no way to predict when it hits you. F’n grief. I was ok today. I felt good. I went to work for a couple of hours nothing was different, no one said anything to me, just BOOM.. Tears. Sadness. Depression. The whole lot. I started feeling bad for myself, my husband, my family, my daughter. I cried on my way home. I cried when I walked my dog. Then at the top of hill I saw it, a teeny, tiny rainbow poking out of the clouds. I stopped dead in my tracks and knew it was Linden. I remembered when I would get upset or sad when she was still in my belly and she would start kicking me, basically telling me to knock it out. That little rainbow was my, “I’m here mom knock it out.” I told her I missed her, loved her, and thanked her for visiting me.
Anyone that has dealt with infertility, miscarriage, stillbirth, and/or infant loss knows all about the significance of a rainbow. I’m still crying but I don’t feel depressed, just sad. I wish everyday there was a pink sky or a rainbow. I know she is always there, but those little things make my day, stop the grief even for just a moment, and remind me there is hope. She was almost my rainbow baby, but now she is just my rainbow.