Last week a patient asked me about Linden, I made a face and shook my head and the patient relented, apologized, and did not pry. I lightly explained that I wrote a letter to everyone about her chromosomal abnormality and that this could happen. I teared up and she apologized again, when I left the conversation I felt ok. I almost felt bad for dropping a bomb like that on her.
Yesterday another patient asked if I had any pictures of Linden, again I made a face and shook my head. This patient looked at me so confused and asked, “What happened?” I again explained about the letter, her chromosal abnormality, and that this could happen. She asks, “What happened?” Then I said it, “She didn’t make it. She passed away.” She apologized. I left the conversation feeling like a train hit me. I tried to hold the tears back but I couldn’t stop them.
I just want to say, I am in no way blaming the patient for not understanding my context/physical clues. Working with the public, I’ve learned most people aren’t very perceptive.
It’s just those words. It’s unnatural. It breaks my heart. It never gets easier. All day I think of her. I miss her so much. Things have gotten better, but I just don’t want to say those words.