Grief

saying the words

Last week a patient asked me about Linden,  I made a face and shook my head and the patient relented, apologized, and did not pry.  I lightly explained that I wrote a letter to everyone about her chromosomal abnormality and that this could happen.  I teared up and she apologized again, when I left the conversation I felt ok.  I almost felt bad for dropping a bomb like that on her.

Yesterday another patient asked if I had any pictures of Linden, again I made a face and shook my head.  This patient looked at me so confused and asked, “What happened?” I again explained about the letter, her chromosal abnormality, and that this could happen. She asks, “What happened?”  Then I said it, “She didn’t make it. She passed away.” She apologized. I left the conversation feeling like a train hit me.  I tried to hold the tears back but I couldn’t stop them.

I just want to say, I am in no way blaming the patient for not understanding my context/physical clues.  Working with the public, I’ve learned most people aren’t very perceptive.

It’s just those words.  It’s unnatural.  It breaks my heart. It never gets easier.  All day I think of her.  I miss her so much.  Things have gotten better, but I just don’t want to say those words.

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3 thoughts on “saying the words

  1. My eyes filled with tears reading this.. You are an amazing mom and I just know she’s looking down on you and knows how much you love her. She knows. I’m still thinking about you, even when you don’t blog and want you to know I’ll be praying for you. Hugs.

  2. Mary Hixon says:

    You are right about the public and not being perceptive. My heart breaks for you, for Josh, for all of us. The words are so difficult to say. Some days or conversations are worse than others. I love you. I will pray for your strength. ( & the public to get a clue )

  3. myhopejar says:

    Oh hon. I’m so so sorry. I remember having such a hard time with the questions too. It’s been almost 4 years since I lost my son and I still have a hard time saying the words, but it does get a bit easier with time. Sending you love and strength. Linden is always with you.

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