Reflection

One year ago today

One year ago today I was 17 weeks pregnant with our second baby.  I was working at Harvard and Highland, dreaming of Thanksgiving and planning the roasted brussel’s sprouts dish I would bring.  We were getting ready for our 3rd doctors appointment the next day and feeling pretty confident about it after hearing a heartbeat at the two previous appointments.

That was the last time I enjoyed what I did for a living, my last shift at my dream job.  That was the last time I did not have severe anxiety about doctors appointments.  That was the last time I looked at holidays as my favorite time of year and something to look forward to.   That was the last time I had confidence in my body.  The last time I didn’t feel like a disappointment to my husband.  That was the last time I wasn’t scared about my ability to have a child.

I wish I could write about how great I feel today, how I am not scared about the doctors appointment we have tomorrow, and the hope I have for my baby girl, but that would be bullshit.  I am terrified.  This past year has not only taken so much from me but has replaced it with doubt, fear and anxiety.  I hate it.

I’ll update about Linden after our doctors appointment tomorrow.  I will also find perspective again along with multiple reasons to be grateful for this holiday season.  Today though I’m going to miss my dreams, my old realities, and the little boy I never got to meet.

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9 thoughts on “One year ago today

  1. Oh Summer….I can only imagine your pain, anxiety, anger, etc., but so appreciate your honesty and the lessons you offer for telling it like it is. And then there are the lovely glimpses into how you and Josh are preparing for Linden and the rainbows you see. Hugs…

  2. Jess says:

    Summer,
    My hearts hurts for what you have gone through and what you continue to go through everyday. I am glad you are strong enough to share this, though. I am proud of you and love you.

  3. Just wanted to say Hi. It’s meak compared to all the things I think and feel when I read about all this experience had been for you, but it’s heartfelt; – Hi! You and your family are in my thoughts. And, if it means anything, you are not only still the same person you were a year ago, but More! Enjoy your family this week, I look forward to hearing about tomorrow!

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