A puddle

I went to my first Dharma Punx meditation the other day and it was awesome.  I liked the guided meditation and there was a little bit of sharing that was nice.  They read a quote from Pema Chodron about loving yourself and sharing that kindness with others.  Jenn also brought up a quote from Rumi that has stuck with me.

“Never give from the depths of your well but from your overflow.”

A well!?!  My well is a puddle, a murky puddle to boot.  I then envisioned myself using a dropper to share a couple of drops here and there with people.  It made me feel sad and selfish, and then it made me realize how badly I needed to just clear my fricken head.  I was grateful for the next portion of meditation but I knew I would get back to this.

So here we are back at my puddle.  I wish things were different but they are not.  The years have drained me.  I know people understand my absence at events, parties, etc…. It’s hard to share in the joy when you don’t have much for yourself.  Ultimately, I feel guilty and I am sorry.  I have friends and family experiencing the happiest times of their lives and I am on my couch catatonic.  I then think who wants the f’d up sad girl at the party anyways.  It sucks but it’s true.

I will continue to stay away but I will try and love myself more and gain more perspective and appreciate what I do have and remain present.  I can only hope that if I continue to do these things the puddle will deepen and I’ll have more to give then drops of murky water.


6 thoughts on “A puddle

  1. Mary Maslanik says:

    Dear Summer,
    You know how much you are loved. You know that everyone that cares about you wants you to do things that you feel comfortable doing. You are all in my thoughts and prayers. I love you all very much!

  2. Mary Hixon says:

    Ebb and flow.. In your puddle, in your feelings – throughout life. You write with such insight. So touching and poignant. I learn so much from you and your writing. To me, you are not the f’d up sad girl. You are my wonderful, inspiring, brave daughter that I love more than words can say. XO

  3. Kelly Farquharson says:

    It is a treasure to realize that you have “just” a puddle right now. Many don’t realize that they have depleted resources and this can cause a host of stress related illnesses and years of unhappiness. It’s not easy to just have a puddle – but the fact that you recognize what you have is a beautiful thing. Sending strength your way. You’re doing a good thing. xo

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s