I went to my first Dharma Punx meditation the other day and it was awesome. I liked the guided meditation and there was a little bit of sharing that was nice. They read a quote from Pema Chodron about loving yourself and sharing that kindness with others. Jenn also brought up a quote from Rumi that has stuck with me.
“Never give from the depths of your well but from your overflow.”
A well!?! My well is a puddle, a murky puddle to boot. I then envisioned myself using a dropper to share a couple of drops here and there with people. It made me feel sad and selfish, and then it made me realize how badly I needed to just clear my fricken head. I was grateful for the next portion of meditation but I knew I would get back to this.
So here we are back at my puddle. I wish things were different but they are not. The years have drained me. I know people understand my absence at events, parties, etc…. It’s hard to share in the joy when you don’t have much for yourself. Ultimately, I feel guilty and I am sorry. I have friends and family experiencing the happiest times of their lives and I am on my couch catatonic. I then think who wants the f’d up sad girl at the party anyways. It sucks but it’s true.
I will continue to stay away but I will try and love myself more and gain more perspective and appreciate what I do have and remain present. I can only hope that if I continue to do these things the puddle will deepen and I’ll have more to give then drops of murky water.