People refer to my “strength” or “courage”, but I honestly feel like am treading water, waiting for a rock to rest on or my feet to hit the shore. I started writing this blog 1. because my therapist has been telling me for years how therapeutic writing is. 2. While searching for support on the internet I only found one story similar to mine. Also, everyone’s blogs seem to be Christian faith based, which I have no problem with Christianity but it’s just not me. Trust me my spiritual life has grown leaps and bounds the past 2.5 years and I would never knock someone’s beliefs, but I identify more with Buddhism, Confucianism, and Taoism. 3. My pregnancy was beginning to show and I didn’t want to have to explain to friends/ family/acquaintances the extent of what was happening (i.e. When someone asks me if I’m pregnant it is hard to be overly enthusiastic about it. Trust me it has happened multiple times now and although I am happy about it the grey cloud hanging over my situation has given me a less than genuine smile. It sucks but it’s true. I try.) 4. I have a horrible memory and want to make sure I remember every aspect of this little girls life.
Reason #4 should be the only reason but eh. I am a strong enough person but avoidance or running away from problems has been a recurring theme. Before the blog I would start conversations with friends with some verbal diarrhea “so here is what’s going on…. blah blah blah… have any questions?” Just get it all out and then have them tell me something good. I can’t run away from this, but I find it’s easier to write it down and hope people read. Saying the words out loud is too much sometimes.
Yesterday at work, a patient asked about my pregnancy and gave me the sweetest advice (not many patients know about my pregnancy and those that do don’t know about the Trisomy diagnosis). She told me to take time each day and listen to classical music and try to learn something while I am listening. I thanked her and told her that’s the best advice I’ve received. It was so sweet. After work, I walked to my car, put on some classical music, drove home, and cried. I cried all the way home. I cried walking the dog. I cried when I heated up soup. I cried trying to watch tv. I cried when I tried to fall asleep. I’m crying now just thinking of it. There are so many reasons to cry and last night I went through all of them. I lost all perspective and just wallowed in it. I think sometimes you just have to do that. I made a deal with myself that today I would write about it and find some perspective again. I’m trying.